Thursday, April 24, 2008

Driving, Cultures and Cursing

I hate to admit it but I'm a racist behind the wheel. In any other situation I am almost completely colorblind, but when I get behind the wheel I'm transformed into the most vile form of white supremacist.

I'm not sure what it is about some cultures, predominantly Asian cultures, that causes them to be such poor drivers. But I think it is empirically true that they are just that. Poor drivers. There, I said it out loud and in public. Bring on the protests! Picket the house. I don't care. What I'm really trying to figure out is, how do those women drive with those visors over their faces? Can the sun's harmful rays really penetrate the steel and insulation in the roof of the car?

Alright, now that your knickers are in a knot I'll equivocate. Not ALL Asians are bad drivers. In fact, some are remarkably good. Almost as good as me. Not ALL white people are good drivers. Far from it. In fact, some are just as bad. Other cultures seem to fall in between.

You've all heard of DWI - Driving While Intoxicated. I think we need a some new categories .... DWA - Driving While Asian, works as a way to explain some of the slow and quasi erratic behaviors. Even worse is DWAOTP. Driving While Asian On The Phone. By the way, there is also DWO - Driving While Old, but that's the subject for another day. (By far the most dangerous driver is a DWAO&OTP).

I'm not sure why our elected officials are working so hard to eradicate general DWOTP. This merely reduces the skills of the average driver to roughly those of a DWA. So if we're going to have laws about DWOTP, I think we should also have laws about DWA, but we all know that will never happen. Studies will show that there really is no difference between the records of the various races. Heaven help the insurance company that red lines people by culture, regardless of the facts.

All of this said, it is important to point out that by far the worst drivers remain DWTS - Driving While Terminally Stupid. You've seen these people. They're all over. They drive too fast in school zones and parking lots, and in a different form they get on freeways going 8 miles an hour while they search for a break large enough in traffic - apparently roughly 4 miles long - that is large enough to give them the opportunity to sit back off the steering wheel, stop staring in their side mirror, catch up to traffic and get back OTP. These people can come in any color, size or age and I think they should be permanently relegated to public transportation.

If I've offended anyone I'm sorry. Like I said, I'm only a racist behind the wheel. In other walks life I actually celebrate the cultures we live with. Myriad ethnic groups have permeated Southern California society and I think the cultural fabric they create is an entirely beautiful thing.

That's 10 minutes for today ....

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